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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

What is The Porkchop Express?

Every Tuesday, The Porkchop Express brings you, gentle reader, a weekly update of interesting foodstuffs. Sometimes these will be pork-related, and sometimes they will not. At times you will learn something, scratch your head and say “I never knew but now I do.” But other times you might complain “those are 3 minutes of my life I will never get back.” The path to flavor is never easy. We simply ask that you join us, bear with, and remember that we only have one goal: delicious.

Why another floog? Foo-blog? Log-foo? Surely there is plenty written about food? I'm no scientist (unless you count my patent-pending animal-vegetables, like the Garlicken and the Cowmato). And I haven’t done much “research.” But I’d still bet dollars to donuts that culinary reports have gotten extra-silly. They tend to fall into the following four categories:

1. The Kirsten Dunst from “Bring It On” cheerleader-with-a-heart-of-gold review:

They must fish every morning because their fish is soooooo fresh! I would walk 100 miles in the desert for one of their corndogs! Luigi’s pizza is so addictive, it’s like he sprinkles it with crack cocaine!
And
You really can’t go to heaven until you try a Cowmato burger with grilled onions!
2. The Ray Liotta in “Identity” (that guy’s psycho…or is he) reviews, where you can't quite tell if the vibe is Strawberry Shortcake or Piranha Pie
If you haven’t had their curry you shouldn’t be allowed to live! Go to The Mint Jelly, order their lamb, and mention my name.
And
I really don’t understand people who don’t like Garlickens! They taste great fried, and they save you time for Christ’s sake.

3. The Cliff Clavin “expert,” anyone quick to list credentials who may not make sense:
Trust me, I used to live in China and Venezuela, and no one does stir-fried cachapas better than Ramon Wang! No one.
Or
Their porkchop had hints of raspberry, quince, and man-love.
4. And finally, the full-on Mel Gibson in “Payback/Braveheart/et al.” mode, reviewers who have been personally wronged and want to exact immediate revenge:
Who likes vegan cupcakes? I’ll tell you who: jerks!
Enthusiasm is great, don’t get me wrong. And truth be told, venting is fun. But The Porkchop Express strives for balance: that combo of flavor and experience, new discoveries and old comforts, good food and good folks, that makes eating such a pleasure. Every Tuesday we will offer you something to mull over the week. It might be hefty or lean, peppy or dull. And as we grow, we might even find unexpected direction. Either way, enjoy the dizzying highs and woeful lows as we wind down the path to delicious....Til Tuesday!

—J. Slab

2 Comments:

Blogger chuck said...

congratulations on the grand opening! i'm looking forward to the ride.

but, um, i have to say, no list of animal-vegetable hybrids would be complete without Lambbage. believe you me, i've lived for years in Florida, as a roadie for Miami Sound Machine, and also dance with straight, gay, and bisexual senior citizens on the weekends. for fun. so i know what i'm talking about. **are you coming down from the crack, or are you still blazed??!!** i would seriously pick the booger that lies nestled in my left nostril at the moment for a nice Lambbage chop served medium rare--chilled, of course. i mean any day of the week. seriously.

peace.

2:59 PM  
Blogger Eumaios the Swineherd said...

As a vegetarian I must say I'm intrigued by the idea of animal-veg hybrids. Depending on how they work out, I could finally get to eat meat again and yet still be vegetarian! You just need to produce a plant with enough animal genes to produce flesh. Hmmm, what would I need to grow Porkobello mushrooms in my closet?
Why has no one thought of this?
--DWB

5:10 PM  

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