Doggystyle

An Englishman with a lisp started schooling me on “the bitches,” and it meant only one thing: New York City's world famous Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was in full swing. So let's take a break from Bacon Week to check out this year's hottest doggy styles. Stump the Sussex Spaniel may have taken Best In Show, but plenty of other pooches killed us... with kindness! And farts. (Seriously, MSG smelled like poopy butt.) Details below!
First up, a candid shot of David Frei. All I know about Frei is that he hosts the USA Network's annual Westminster coverage, so I googled him to find out what he does with the other 363 days of his year. Not much, friend, not much. Save, of course, volunteer work with the Transfiguration Church and School of NYC – NOT, as it turns out, the Minnesota Transfiguration Catholic Church and School... whose web address is the all-time hi-larious “www.tranny.org”.
The atmosphere at Westminster is often descibed as “electric,” so we went looking for the party. First stop? Europe's “party island” Ibiza, of course! We figured an Ibizan Hound was good for some unihibited Continental fun, but shame on us... Essie – the 4th ranked Ibizan in America – was getting some rest after her last-ever Westminster showing. (A life of lure coursing, chuck-and-eggs, and beef hearts awaits on a 10-acre Texas ranch.)
Do you remember the 80s, friend? Bud Light's official Party Animal, a/k/a Spuds Mackenzie? He was a Bull Terrier who rolled to parties and was instantly swarmed by attractive, scantily clad women. Breaker from Indiana drew quite a (thankfully fully-clothed) crowd himself. This 18-month pup owes his appeal to a smooth egg-shaped nose and deep-set traingular eyes. That, and the fact that Dog in Party Hat drinking Beer = Irresistable, imaginary or no.On the subject of fawning, Brando T. Beefcake drew a dog's share of cameras and action and lights. And why not? This was the first year the Dogue de Bordeaux showed at Westminster, and he took best in breed. A mellow fellow, he hails from Miami, where his owner/breeder/handler pampers him with churrasco. He also enjoys having two women wipe his drool and scratch his butt in front of a camera. (Have you seen this movie before?)
I spent about half in year in Scotland once, only to discover that boozing and bitter cold are not a productive combo. Alas, Bruce, the #4 Scottish Terrier in the US of A (I'm still not sure what this means) seemed a bit more level-headed: strawberry banana yogurt is his only vice!
The same could not be said for Finnean. This Glen of Imaal Terrier's favorite treat? Jameson-soaked garlic-and-herbed chicken. “He's an Irishman,” his handler said by way of explanation. Sham Rock, indeed!
I once overheard a stranger obsessed with a hound outside the Union Square Dog Run. He kept pointing at the pooch and poking his friend: “Yo, look at that droopy one, Mike, the droopy one is mad funny!” [turns for emphasis] “Yo Mike, why didn't you get one of them droopy ones?” I totally agree. Raleigh the Bloodhound was mad funny and, at not even two years old, still putting weight on his 120 pound frame.I had a Basset Hound growing up who was hung like a horse. It was embarrassing. To the point where I would try to avoid walking past firemen, cops, etc. (“Ayyyy, now THAT'S the MAN!!!) I checked the AKC standard and there is no mention of Dong. But trust us on this, the Basset lives large.
Not everyone has the lack of self-consciousness level of commitment needed to raise a breed with BOTH Dandie AND Dinmont in the name. And yet, Minnie Mouse (the dog) is treated like San Francisco royalty. This bay area queen rode her fluffy fro to victory, taking a highly coveted best in breed and looking forward to an evening meal of roast trout with potatoes and ice cream.
On the opposite end of the calm spectrum? Cosmo the Saint Bernard from Derby, Connecticut. I didn't see the brandy, but maybe that's because he prefers maxing and relaxing with chicken noodle soup and extra sharp cheddar.
Quixote the Chow Chow says: call me Butter Pecan Rican. And get me a cheesburger!
Paesan the Great Dane says: What the hell is going on? I love bologna sandwiches!
Zarys the Polish Lowland Sheepdog (PONS to you) says: I was in that Looney Tunes joint with Wile E. Coyote. Kielbasa is the money sausage!
Taryn the French Bulldog says: Who cares?
And poodle/poodle lady says: It's party time!


Back soon on the bacon trail,

–J. Slab