Duck Amuck

Have you ever been arrested for disorderly conduct, friend? The morning after is the confusing bit: stiff neck from awkward night's sleep; brisk inventory of whatever you had on hand/in pocket; uncertain exit amidst disapproving glances; and the mild unease that comes from trying to reconstruct a good time not well-remembered.

So it felt the day after D'Artagnan's Fifth Annual Duckathalon, where all I had to go on was one pink plastic duck, one french boule, one black nylon Logo backpack, a case of the spins, and warm fuzzy feelings for foie gras. One month later and I'm still not sure what happened. But I can say this: everyone's favorite charcuterie company throws quite a party.

Duckathalon begins earnestly enough: a room full of chefs from top NYC restaurants dressed in goofy costumes, sharing breakfast glasses of Corbières before hitting the meatpacking district to have fun and rise above. This is, after all, an obstacle course–cheery and uninhibited, but held together by a series of challenges that range from dull (pop the Moet cork in the beautiful Moet offices without a sabre) to athletic (the duck-feet egg-on-spoon-in-mouth obstacle-walk) “PG-13” (dunk the saucisson sec in a decanter), to NC-17 (guess the testicles!); sweet (a macaron eating contest) to savory (blind oil tastings); fragrant (i.d. that spice) to sublime (which one isn't aged armagnac).

I think someone won; but the details of how and why remain gray and murky, a rainy May bog punctuated by surreal exchanges of plastic ducks (what we, as judges, were given to reward teams for notable pluck, skill, etc.) for shots (what the most discriminating teams offered judges for “duck consideration”).

If memory serves, our favorites did not “win.” But really, everyone at this thing was a winner. And here were a few worth remembering:

Top Dogs: Hands-down, Ace and the lads from Bar Boulud brought skill, unabashed enthusiasm and good cheer. They showed True Culinary Grit on the difficult olive oil tasting, and had jokes for days.
Runners-up: Craftsteak, on the strength of their Cow Masks. Also, one of the chefs went by “Hash Brown.” And they seemed genuinely down for Meat Twister.
Nods to: The appropriately stylish team from The Modern, who maintained poise in the face of the silly; and the folks from Action Against Hunger, who brought a little extra heart to what really is The Best Food Event Ever (TBFEE).

As for the real champs? Lily Hodge, Director of Public Relations Extraordinaire, who conceived and executed this extravaganza; along with D'Artagnan's founder and, I assume, Best Boss Ever Ariane Daguin; and Eric Sherman (of Blind Bacon Tastin' fame) who manned the armagnac challenge something proper; and everyone else who helped put on the ritz. Porkslaps for all...